get your tambourine going

via ella

i spent the first half of last night's turbokick class telling myself i was leaving early and skipping abs. i wound up staying to the end. so glad i did. got to leave behind a sense of defeat!

we can believe it's better this way

via healthy change

yesterday, in church, i learned that i have got to loosen my grip on this. i must release it. my intense desire to control this situation is actually causing me to lose control.

gonna wait for you to search us and destroy

via weheartit

today brings a little truth to the surface.

several months ago, one of my closest friends and i decided that we needed to get hot. we were both pretty unhappy with the turns our lives had taken, and obviously, the only solution was to become skinny. duh.

so you know what i did? i became a "runner," broke up with carbs (i really should do this again, though), started climbing on the scale like twice a day, and thumbed through pictures of myself from a...chubbier...time. i also started calling "two-a-days." i mean...i love Friday Night Lights, but let's be honest, this isn't dillon, texas and i am not working toward a state championship. and guess how long all of this lasted? i'm pretty sure i made it through one month.

so much happened in that month. i did lose 6 pounds, but that was not the dramatic transformation to which i am referring. my entire mindset had changed. i was (okay, am) overpowered by a mentality that i have to be better. the girl i saw in the mirror was no longer a happy, healthy girl pursuing the best life she could achieve. nope. she had become someone who wasn't good enough, who wasn't trying hard enough, who was cute but unimpressive.

it sounds like total My So-Called Life, high school girl drama. just reading that last paragraph embarrasses me a little bit. but it is my present reality. and now all that i want is to go back. everyday i pray that God will let me go back to where i was when all of this began. the mentality mentioned here was one that helped me find joy and freedom. and now i feel bound. bound to my weaknesses. bound to my image. bound to insecurity.  

a day at a time

via lisa storms

i brought my lunch today :)

self control? what's that?

via lovely package

blah. i'm frustrated.

i feel like it's so easy to set out to do well throughout the week, but once friday hits i'm done. this is mostly because i spend my weekends out doing fun things, and there is more of an emphasis on fun and enjoyment on the weekends than M-Th.

of course, i drank too much beer this weekend. those silly baseball games get me every time. and i ate ice cream and entirely too many carbs.

so where do i go from here? i'm learning that planning and preparation make all the difference. and did i plan or prepare at all for this monday? nope. if i come to work without having eaten first, it's a guaranteed FAIL. i will not be eating healthy, that's for sure. i must go grocery shopping tonight so this doesn't happen again tomorrow...

via wit + delight

you keep me coming back for more

current mission: drink less beer.

it might sound silly. or maybe a little sad. but i have to do this. i know that it would contribute tremendously to my efforts in the gym. i love beer, but it needs to more of a "nice treat" or a "splurge," than a "duh...what else would i have with my _____ (ie pizza, salad, baseball game, celery, cookie, laundry, movie, spare time, ...the list goes on...)?"

well...i think i'll be attending two giants games this week. maybe i'll cut back next week?

such is life.

a brief history

as previously stated, i moved from oklahoma to california.

two. different. worlds.

i have since decided that there are at least two things that are seriously determined by geography: religion and lifestyle. not quite clear enough? when asked what oklahoma is like, my response is always this: "there's a church and two fast food joints on every street corner."

therefore, a little bit, i was raised to be a chubby church-goin' Jesus freak.

don't get me wrong, i have an amazing family and i am forever grateful for my upbringing. and i really do love Jesus (more on this later).

but it's no wonder that my new life here in the bay area has brought about a season of crazy change. lots of good, and yes, a little bad (but that's more in the Jesus department than lifestyle).

since i've been here, i've fallen in love with the mountains and the ocean and the redwoods and the trails. and it was this newfound affection, which moved me toward improvement. i was no longer content to be the girl who avoided physical activity, for fear of not being able to keep up. the fear itself is what held me down. so about 14 months ago, i joined the gym with my dear friend, sarah.

and i never looked back.

here goes...

okay so the idea for this blog came to me as i was running today. {please note: i use the term "running" loosely. that sentence made it sound so...natural.}

here's the thing:
i'm not perfect.
i am a twenty-something, wide-eyed girl who moved from oklahoma to california in pursuit of...self.

i have grown, discovered, adventured, and learned.
and i have failed, fallen down, and gotten hurt.

the idea of a "second go" is my own personal pursuit of...easing up.
it is cutting myself some slack.
and it is chasing after the relationships, which permit me to just be me.

some key words to give you an idea of the focus here...
health. body. appearance. acceptance. love.

this blog is intended to be a story of my own journey toward a healthy lifestyle. the emphasis will be on my joys, victories, and repeated struggles throughout the process.

i am telling only a handful of my closest companions about this blog. that's all for now, at least. but i am not keeping it private, because i want...no NEED...for it to instill a sense of accountability.
expect real, uncensored, and vulnerable.