gonna wait for you to search us and destroy

via weheartit

today brings a little truth to the surface.

several months ago, one of my closest friends and i decided that we needed to get hot. we were both pretty unhappy with the turns our lives had taken, and obviously, the only solution was to become skinny. duh.

so you know what i did? i became a "runner," broke up with carbs (i really should do this again, though), started climbing on the scale like twice a day, and thumbed through pictures of myself from a...chubbier...time. i also started calling "two-a-days." i mean...i love Friday Night Lights, but let's be honest, this isn't dillon, texas and i am not working toward a state championship. and guess how long all of this lasted? i'm pretty sure i made it through one month.

so much happened in that month. i did lose 6 pounds, but that was not the dramatic transformation to which i am referring. my entire mindset had changed. i was (okay, am) overpowered by a mentality that i have to be better. the girl i saw in the mirror was no longer a happy, healthy girl pursuing the best life she could achieve. nope. she had become someone who wasn't good enough, who wasn't trying hard enough, who was cute but unimpressive.

it sounds like total My So-Called Life, high school girl drama. just reading that last paragraph embarrasses me a little bit. but it is my present reality. and now all that i want is to go back. everyday i pray that God will let me go back to where i was when all of this began. the mentality mentioned here was one that helped me find joy and freedom. and now i feel bound. bound to my weaknesses. bound to my image. bound to insecurity.  

self control? what's that?

via lovely package

blah. i'm frustrated.

i feel like it's so easy to set out to do well throughout the week, but once friday hits i'm done. this is mostly because i spend my weekends out doing fun things, and there is more of an emphasis on fun and enjoyment on the weekends than M-Th.

of course, i drank too much beer this weekend. those silly baseball games get me every time. and i ate ice cream and entirely too many carbs.

so where do i go from here? i'm learning that planning and preparation make all the difference. and did i plan or prepare at all for this monday? nope. if i come to work without having eaten first, it's a guaranteed FAIL. i will not be eating healthy, that's for sure. i must go grocery shopping tonight so this doesn't happen again tomorrow...

here goes...

okay so the idea for this blog came to me as i was running today. {please note: i use the term "running" loosely. that sentence made it sound so...natural.}

here's the thing:
i'm not perfect.
i am a twenty-something, wide-eyed girl who moved from oklahoma to california in pursuit of...self.

i have grown, discovered, adventured, and learned.
and i have failed, fallen down, and gotten hurt.

the idea of a "second go" is my own personal pursuit of...easing up.
it is cutting myself some slack.
and it is chasing after the relationships, which permit me to just be me.

some key words to give you an idea of the focus here...
health. body. appearance. acceptance. love.

this blog is intended to be a story of my own journey toward a healthy lifestyle. the emphasis will be on my joys, victories, and repeated struggles throughout the process.

i am telling only a handful of my closest companions about this blog. that's all for now, at least. but i am not keeping it private, because i want...no NEED...for it to instill a sense of accountability.
expect real, uncensored, and vulnerable.